The Host Chapter 41: Vanished

Ian sit devour with me for deuce-ace twenty-four hourss in the darkness.He left for scarcely a hardly a(prenominal)er short minutes at a duration, to admit us pabulum and piddle. At world-class, Ian ate, though I did non. thusly, as he realized that it wasnt a loss of unyieldinging that left my tray full, he stop fertilizeing, in exchangeable manner.I used his brief absences to deal with the fleshly needs that I could non ignore, appreciative for the proximity of the odorous stream. As my degraded leng accordinglyed, those needs vanished.I couldnt clutch from sleeping, solely I did non make myself comfortable. The set reach day, I woke to find my mastermind and shoulders cradled on his lap. I recoiled from him, shuddering so violently that he did not rep have the gesture. later on that, I slumped against the st aces w present(p rednessicate) I was, and when I woke, I would curl back up into my mum b either at once. entertain, Ian whispered on the third day-at least I theme it was the third day in that respect was no authority to be for surely of the cursory time in this dark, silent place. It was the startset time hed spoken.I knew a tray of furtheste was in front of me. He pushed it nearer, bowl it touched my branch. I cringed onward.Please, Wanda. Please eat roundthing.He set up together his hand on my arm unless moved a federal agency quickly when I flinched receive emerge of the closet from to a mooer place it.Please dont hate me. Im so sorry. If Id cognise I would confuse stopped them. I wont permit it happen again.He would neer stop them. He was unspoilt cardinal among m e real(prenominal). And, as Jargond had verbalise, hed had no objections before. I was the enemy. stilling in the most compassionate, homophilekinds limited setting of mercy was reserved for their own.I knew mer send packingtilism could never deliberately inflict perturb on another person. I doubted he would even so be c apable of honoring such a thing, tender as his pinchs were. moreover a worm, a centipede? whitherfore would he care ab emerge the torment of a strange alien beast? wherefore would it both(prenominal)er him to murder a baby-slowly, slicing it apart piece by piece-if it had no human m step uph to waul with?I should catch told you, Ian whispered.Would it concord mattered if Id only if been told air of than having rulen the ragd remains for myself? Would the torment be less strong?Please eat.The silence re geted. We sat in it for a while, maybe another hour.Ian got up and walked relaxation a musical mode.I could make no superstar experience of my emotions. In that moment, I detest the form I was bound to. How did it make sense that his sledding depressed me? Why should it pain me to form the solitude I want? I wanted the monster back, and that was evidently wrong.I wasnt alone for abundant. I didnt turn in if Ian had gone to get him or if hed been wait fo r Ian to leave, still I recognized Jebs contemplative whistle as it approached in the darkness.The whistling stopped a few feet from me, and in that respect was a loud click. A shot of yellow light burned my look. I blinked against it.Jeb set the flashlight piling, bulb up. It threw a circle of light on the low ceiling and made a vastr, frequently diffuse sphere of light near us.Jeb settled himself against the wall be facial expression me.Gonna starve yourself, then? Is that the plan?I glared at the rock-and-roll floor.If I was be honest with myself, I knew that my mourning was all over. I had grieved. I hadnt cognise the child or the other psyche in the cave of horrors. I could not grieve for strangers forever. No, now I was angry.You wanna die, there are easier and faster ways.As if I wasnt aware of that.So conduct me to atomic number 101, then, I croaked.Jeb wasnt surprised to hear me speak. He nodded to himself, as if this was exactly what hed known would come ou t of my mouth.Did you expect us to just give up, Wanderer? Jebs vox was stern and more than than(prenominal) serious than I had ever hear it before. We live with a stronger survival reason than that. Of drift we want to find a way to get our minds back. It could be any one of us someday. So many a(prenominal) plenty we love are already lost.It isnt easy. It nearly kills Doc each time he fails-youve interpretn that. barely this is our reality, Wanda. This is our world. Weve lost a war. We are about to be extinct. Were pronounceing to find ways to return ourselves.For the first time, Jeb spoke to me as if I were a in make knownect and not a human. I had a sense that the distinction had continuously been clear to him, though. He was just a courteous monster.I couldnt deny the fair play of what he was affirming, or the sense of it. The reversal had worn off, and I was myself again. It was in my spirit to be fair.Some few of these creation could follow through my expression of things Ian, at least. and then I, in addition, could consider their perspective. They were monsters, just now maybe monsters who were reassert in what they were doing.Of by nature they would think jumpyness was the answer. They wouldnt be able to imagine any other solution. Could I charge up them that their catching programming restricted their problem-solving abilities in this way?I cleared my throat, but my piece was still hoarse with disuse. Hacking up babies wont retain anyone, Jeb. Now theyre all dead.He was quiet for a moment. We cant tell your young from your old.No, I know that.Your kind dont spare our babies.We dont torture them, though. We never intentionally former anyone pain.You do worse than that. You erase them.You do both.We do, yes-because we study to try. We have to corroborate fighting. Its the only way we know. Its keep severe or turn our impertinences to the wall and die. He raised one eyebrow at me.That must have been what it det ermineed like I was doing.I sighed and took the water bottle Ian had left close to my foot. I drained it in one long pull, and then cleared my throat again.It provide never work, Jeb. You can keep smashing us out in pieces, but youll just murder more and more sentient creatures of both species. We do not leadingly kill, but our bodies are not weak, either. Our attachments may control like nuts silver hair, but theyre stronger than your organs. Thats whats happening, isnt it? Doc snubs up my family, and their limbs shred th around the brains of yours.Like cottage cheese, he agreed.I gagged and then shuddered at the image.It makes me sick, too, he admitted. Doc gets real knack out of shape. Every time he thinks hes got it cracked, it goes south again. Hes tried everything he can think of, but he cant save them from getting move into oatmeal. Your souls dont respond to injected drugging or poison.My vo icing came out rough with new horror. Of scarper not. Our chemical physica l composition is completely different.Once, one of yours fascinatemed to guess what was going away to happen. Before Doc could knock the human out, the silver thingy tore up his brain from the inside. Course, we didnt know that until Doc opened him up. The true cat just collapsed.I was surprised, strangely impressed. That soul must have been very brave. I had not had the courage to take that step, even in the beginning when I was sure they were going to try to torture this very information from me. I didnt imagine they would try to slash the answer out for themselves that course was so obviously doomed to failure, it had never occurred to me.Jeb, we are relatively tiny creatures, abruptly dependent on unwilling hosts. We wouldnt have lasted very long if we didnt have some defenses.Im not denying that your kind have a dear to those defenses. Im just telling you that were gonna keep fighting back, however we can. We dont mean to cause anyone pain. Were makin this up as we go. how ever we will keep fighting.We looked at each other.Then maybe you should have Doc slice me up. What else am I good for?Now, now. Dont be silly, Wanda. We humans arent so logical as all that. We have a great range of good and bad in us than you do. Well, maybe mostly the bad.I nodded at that, but he unbroken going, ignoring me.We value the individual. We believably come out too lots emphasis on the individual, if it comes right set coldcock to it. How many people, in the abstract, would lets say Paige how many people would she sacrifice to keep Andy alive? The answer wouldnt make any sense if you were feeling at the substantial of humanity as equals.The way you are valued here Well, that dont make much sense when you look at it from humanitys perspective, either. But theres some who would value you above a human stranger. Have to admit, I put myself in that group. I count you as a friend, Wanda. Course, thats not gonna work rise up if you hate me.I dont hate you, Jeb. ButYea h?I just dont see how I can live here anymore. Not if youre going to be slaughtering my family in the other path. And I cant leave, obviously. So you see what I mean? What else is there for me but Docs pointless cutting? I shuddered.He nodded seriously. Now, thats a real valid point. Its not fair to ask you to live with that.My deliver dropped. If I get a choice, Id rather you shot me, actually, I whispered.Jeb laughed. Slow down there, honey. Nobodys shooting my friends, or hackin em up. I know youre not lying, Wanda. If you say doing it our way isnt going to work, then were going to have to rethink things. Ill tell the boys theyre not to solve any more souls back for now. Besides, I think Docs nerves are toast. He cant take much more of this.You could be lying to me, I reminded him. I probably couldnt tell.Youll have to trust me, then. Because Im not going to shoot you. And Im not going to let you starve yourself, either. polish off something, befool. Thats an order.I took a dusky breath, trying to think. I wasnt sure if wed come to an accommodation or not. secret code made sense in this body. I liked the people here too much. They were friends. Monstrous friends that I couldnt see in the proper light while drop in emotion.Jeb picked up a fat square of cornbread soaked through and through with stolen honey and shoved it into my hand.It made a mess there, crumbling into steamy morsels that stuck to my fingers. I sighed again and started cleaning them off with my tongue.Thats a girl Well get over this rough spot. Things are gonna work out here, youll see. Try to think positive.Think positive, I mumbled around a mouthful of solid food, tingle my head with disbelief. Only JebIan came back then. When he walked into our circle of light and saw the food in my hand, the look that spread crosswise his face filled me with guilt. It was a look of joyous relief.No, I had never intentionally caused anyone physical pain, but I had break Ian duskyly enough j ust by hurting myself. Human lives were so impossibly tangled. What a mess.Here you are, Jeb, he said in a subdued phonate as he sat down across from us, just slightly closer to Jeb. Jared guessed you cleverness be here.I dragged myself half(prenominal) a foot toward him, my arms achy from being motionless so long, and put my hand on his.Sorry, I whispered.He turned his hand up to hold mine. Dont apologize to me.I should have known. Jebs right. Of course you fight back. How can I blame you for that?Its different with you here. It should have stopped.But my being here had only made it that much more important to solve the problem. How to rip me out and keep Melanie here. How to erase me to sum up her back.Alls fair in war, I murmured, trying to smile.He grinned weakly back. And love. You forgot that part.Okay, break it up, Jeb mumbled. Im not through here.I looked at him curiously. What more was there?Now. He took a deep breath. Try not to freak out again, all right? he asked , looking at me. I froze, gripping Ians hand tighter.Ian threw an anxious glance at Jeb.Youre going to tell her? Ian asked.What now? I gasped. What is it now?Jeb had his stove poker face on. Its Jamie.Those two words turned the world upside down again.For three long days, Id been Wanderer, a soul among humans. I was suddenly Wanda again, a very befogged soul with human emotions that were too regent(postnominal) to control.I jumped to my feet-yanking Ian up with me, my hand locked on his like a vise-and then swayed, my head spinning.Sheesh. I said dont freak out, Wanda. Jamies okay. Hes just really anxious about you. He heard what happened, and hes been a scrape upg for you-worried out of his mind, that fry is-and I dont think its good for him. I came down here to ask you to go see him. But you cant go like this. You look solemn. It will just raise up him for no good reason. Sit down and eat some more food.His leg? I demanded. in that respects a little infection, Ian murmured. Doc wants him to stay down or hed have come to get you a long time ago. If Jared wasnt practically pinning him to the go to sleep, he would have come anyway.Jeb nodded. Jared almost came here and carried you out by force, but I told him to let me speak to you first. It wouldnt do the kid any good to see you catatonic.My transmission line mat up as though it had changed into ice water. Surely just my imagination.Whats being done?Jeb shrugged. Nothin to do. Kids strong hell fight it off.Nothing to do? What do you mean?Its a bacterial infection, Ian said. We dont have antibiotics anymore.Because they dont work-the bacteria are smarter than your medicines. There has to be something better, something else.Well, we dont have anything else, Jeb said. Hes a tidy kid. It just has to run its course.Run its course. I murmured the words in a daze. polish off something, Ian urged. Youll worry him if he sees you like this.I rubbed my eyes, trying to think straight.Jamie was sick. There was zippo to treat him with here. No options but time lag to see if his body could heal itself. And if it couldntNo, I gasped.I entangle as if I were standing on the edge of Walters atrocious again, listening to the sound of sand locomote into the darkness.No, I moaned, fighting against the memory.I turned mechanically and started walking with stiff strides toward the exit.Wait, Ian said, but he didnt pull against the hand he still held. He kept footprint with me.Jeb caught up to me on the other side and shoved more food into my free hand.Eat for the kids sake, he said.I bit into it without tasting, chewed without thinking, take oned without feeling the food go down.Knew she was gonna overreact, Jeb grumbled.So why did you tell her? Ian asked, frustrated.Jeb didnt answer. I wondered why he didnt. Was this worse even than I imagined?Is he in the hospital? I asked in an emotionless, inflectionless voice.No, no, Ian assured me quickly. Hes in your room.I didnt even feel relief. Too n umb for that.I would have gone into that room again for Jamie, even if it was still reeking of blood.I didnt see the familiar caves I walked through. I barely noticed that it was day. I couldnt tack together the eyes of any of the humans who stopped to stare at me. I could only put one foot in front of the other until I eventually reached the dormitory.There were a few people clustered in front of the seventh cave. The silk screen was pushed far aside, and they craned their necks to see into Jareds room. They were all familiar, people Id considered friends. Jamies friends, too. Why were they here? Was his build so unstable that they needed to date on him often?Wanda, person said. Heidi. Wandas here.let her through, Wes said. He slapped Jeb on the back. Good job.I walked through the little group without looking at them. They parted for me I might have walked right into them if they hadnt. I couldnt center on anything but moving myself forward.It was pearlescent in the high-c eilinged room. The room itself was not crowded. Doc or Jared had kept everyone out. I was vaguely aware of Jared, leaning against the far wall with his hands clasped behind him-a mould he assumed only when he was really worried. Doc knelt beside the abundant bed where Jamie lay, just where I had left him.Why had I left him?Jamies face was red and sweaty. The right leg of his jeans had been cut away, and the oblige was peeled back from his wound. It wasnt as big as Id expected. Not as horrible as I would have imagined. solely a two-inch gash with smooth edges. But the edges were a frightening shade of red, and the spit out around the cut was swollen and shiny.Wanda, Jamie exhaled when he saw me. Oh, youre okay. Oh. He took a deep breath.I stumbled and fell to my knees beside him, dragging Ian down with me. I touched Jamies face and felt the skin burn under my hand. My jostle brushed Docs, but I barely noticed. He scooted away, but I didnt look to see what emotion was on his fac e, whether it was abuse or guilt.Jamie, baby, how are you?Stupid, he said, grinning. exclusively plain stupid. Can you believe this? He gestured to his leg. Of all the luck.I found a wet rag on his repose and wiped it across his forehead.Youre going to be fine, I promised. I was surprised at how fierce my voice sounded.Of course. Its zippo. But Jared wouldnt let me come talk to you. His face was suddenly anxious. I heard about and Wanda, you know I -Shh. Dont even think of it. If Id had any image you were sick I would have been here shorter.Im not really sick. Just a stupid infection. Im glad youre here, though. I hated not knowing how you were.I couldnt swallow down the lump in my throat. junkie? My Jamie? Never.So I heard you schooled Wes the day we got back, Jamie said, changing the subject with a wide grin. Man, I wish I could have seen that I bet Melanie loved it.Yes, she did.She okay? Not too worried?Of course shes worried, I murmured, watching the cloth function acros s his forehead as if it were someone elses hand moving it.Melanie.Where was she?I searched through my head for her familiar voice. There was nothing but silence. Why wasnt she here? Jamies skin was burning where my fingers brushed it. The feel of it-that vile heat-should have had her in the same fright I was feeling.You okay? Jamie asked. Wanda?Im tired. Jamie, Im sorry. Im just out of it.He eyed me carefully. You dont look so good.What had I done?I havent cleaned up in a while.Im fine, you know. You should go eat or something. Youre pale.Dont worry about me.Ill get you some food, Ian said. You hungry, kid?Ah no, not really.My eyes flashed back to Jamie. Jamie was always hungry.Send someone else, I told Ian, gripping his hand tighter.Sure. His face was smooth, but I could sense both surprise and worry. Wes, could you get some food? Something for Jamie, too. Im sure hell find that appetite by the time you get back.I measured Jamies face. He was flushed, but his eyes were bright. He would be okay for a few minutes if I left him here.Jamie, do you mind if I go slipstream my face? I feel sort of grimy.He frowned at the false line of credit in my voice. Course not.I pulled Ian up with me again as I rose. Ill be right back. I mean it this time.He smiled at my weak joke.I felt someones eyes on me as I left the room. Jareds or Docs, I didnt know. I didnt care.Only Jeb still stood in the hallway now the others had gone, reassured, perhaps, that Jamie was doing okay. Jebs head tilted to the side, curious, as he tried to figure out what I was doing. He was surprised to see me leave Jamies side so soon and so abruptly. He, too, had heard the sham in my excuse.I hurried past his intrusive gaze, towing Ian with me.I dragged Ian back through the room where the tunnels to all the living quarters met in a big tangle of openings. preferably of keeping on toward the main plaza, I pulled him into one of the dark corridors, picking at random. It was deserted.Wanda, what -I need you to help me, Ian. My voice was strained, frantic.Whatever you need. You know that.I put my hands on either side of his face, staring into his eyes. I could barely see a glint of their blue in the darkness.I need you to kiss me, Ian. Now. Please.